Hatred, What have You Done To Me?
by PikaCheeka
Summary: *sigh* Sorry I haven't written in so long...This is another Draco Malfoy angst monologue, written much like DROWNING IN LONELINESS(this is a semi-sequel)....He's older this time, and darker, and he's finally realizing what hatred does to a person, and wha


Summary: Draco monologue ^^-I'd say he's around 23 or so, and he's finally discovering what this hatred inside of him is. This is full of nasty questions that can never be answered, so don't mind me...

A/N-I know I haven't written in ages, but I haven't had time really...now I do, and Draco wants to write in my head, he wants to get it all out, so here you go.....^-^

Dedication- Dedicated to...PAPER CAPER!!!!!!!! SAVE EARLY EDITION! PICKET AT FOX FAMILY CHANNEL PLACE! SAVE GARY! SAVE CHICAGO! YEEEEAAAAA!!!!!!!

Hatred, what have you done to me?

By PikaCheeka

My name? You ask my name?

My name means nothing to you. Nor does it to me. I am nothing. I am now. I am dying, that is all. Dying from this hatred inside of me, tearing, killing, withering me. Nothing. How can one be nothing if they never were something?

I am loneliness. I am hatred. I am fear. I am corruption. I am not who I once was, who I never can be again.

You have heard my name anyway. My name is known everywhere, but I am not. Nobody knows me, the true me, not even I. The hatred prevents that, coats that gap with arrogance. It has corrupted me, Everything I say and do now is evil. It is out of my control. Hatred is...me...

It was for my father and my father alone at first. but it grew. I learned the power. 

The power of hatred.

Pity. Pity I never learned the power of love. If that were the first thing I knew, none of this would have happened. I could be...whole...But all I ever knew was this hatred. It was my best friend. All it gained me were useless things though, Arrogance, loneliness...Power. That was what I was after. but now I have it. Or the hatred has it. I am NOTHING. I will nevr be someone, I will never have friends. The hatred devoured me, captured me while I was too young, and all is lost...

It hurt the one person who ever loved me. Threatened to kill...turned her away, left her to cry.

Die.

As it is doing to me. It has been probing me all these years. Hunting out my weaknesses, until each one was discovered. 

I have been lying in this pool of darkness. Darkness, darkness. Soaking up it's rays.... Soaking up the hatred and the loneliness that one can take, and more.

This loneliness! Damn this loneliness! And this hatred! This hatred is my mask, my refuge! Hiding my loneliness! But this hatred is crumbling!

But the people. They only see the hate. Why can't they see me? The lonely trapped boy beneath it all? Am I that far gone? Is it this mask? Or am I truly gone? Nothing? Then why do I still cry? Why do I still cry when I see people who care about each other? When I hear someone say they wish I were dead? 

And yet...hatred does have a weakness....

But I am so consumed by hatred it is my weakness as well. Love.

It has always been my greatest weakness. I've never had anyone to love. 

Ever. 

My parents...they're dead now. My father loved me, but I didn't know that till he was gone. Too late. I loved him in the end, I love him now, but I wish I could have told him so. And my mother? She never loved me. Nor him. She killed herself out of pity. Pity she never loved him. But she never thought of me. Her teenage son. She never loved me. Now I her.

And no one has ever befriended me. The send me off as evil right away. No one tried anymore. If they ever did. Perhaps that is what hurts the most. That I am too far gone for people to bother with anymore.

See what hatred has done to me! It has taken my life! Left me alone to die....forever... 

What is death? It is the loneliness, the hatred catching up. The looking back over the years and seeing that you never had anyone....seeing what you never could do...that is dying. Dying is knowing. Knowing what you missed. And I don't mean tangible things. I mean friends, love. Things I never had...I have been dying my whole life. I have often wondered...why not end it all? Why not just die? 

But I can't. It is not because I fear the pain, I want it. But that's the easy way out. I want to defeat this hatred. It's killing me, yes, and that is why I must destroy it. But how? How can one do that? Is it not impossible?

Loneliness is my punishment. I see it now. My punishment for hating. Loathing. It all comes back and hurts you, no matter what choice you make. Love or hate, it always hurts in the end. 

It is all I have ever known, all I wanted for so long. Until I realized what I was missing in my life. Until I saw the second task so many years ago, until I saw my father die. then it hit me. Like a tidal wave. Knocked me over, left me suddenly dying, crying, for a true death, a clean death. Even a murder, but not this one of hatred. Not this eternal consuming....this eternal consuming...when the knife, the poison, anything would be so much easier. The cliff, the river...just not this. Anything. I want to surrender....how peaceful it would be to surrender... 

But I can't. I want to fight it. How though? How is it done? I know people have tried to love me in the end, but they can't get past me. My eyes, eternal hatred, evil, consuming and seducing themselves, that's the farthest people can get, to stare into my eyes for a long time, see me. All that is left of me. But what is beyond that mirror? That glassy silver wall? Is it not true that glass is fragile? Don't they understand that I, too, am fragile?

I am. I know I am. I can inwardly tell myself things and wake up crying. But not remember what happened. I sometimes wonders what goes on in my mind when I sleep. And what is the part of me that hates? What is the part that cries? Or is it both? Is it the hatred crying? Crying for it is weakening? Weakening me as it goes? Dying because I am lonely? Is that possible?

Yes....It is possible. But what is after it dies? People will still fear me, my reputation is evil. I am evil. I am lonely. I am corrupted crying, hating...everything people cast away. The things people do not want. The things people leave behind. 

As I am. A mere thought in the back of their minds. Nothing. An evil named nothing. An enemy, yes, but a nothing enemy. An empty one. One that can never do anything, for it is weak.

So weak. DAMMIT! What is my true enemy? Who is speaking? Is it Draco speaking? The enemy the hatred? Or is the hatred speaking? The enemy the love? And who am I? What am I? Am I even a human any more? Or am I a shell, cast away? Created from hatred? Or consumed from hatred?

I heard a song long ago...._Masquerade...paper faces on parade...masquerade...hide your face so the world will never know you_....That is what is happening to me. My hatred hides my loneliness, so the world will never know it. But I know it. I know...and that is enough. And what if I destroyed that mask? The world would know, and I would be even weaker. Weaker. Easier to....love...

I cry, I cringe, I shy away from it. But it fights, it is stronger than I. I know now that love is weaker, or stronger. Yet loneliness...is that a sign of love? Or a sign of hatred? Love for one's self? No...that can not be. Love for others, want of others, to be near, to care for...And yet...I don't care about myself, is that a sign of hatred? Or...maybe I do care...for loneliness is a sign of that...a sign of awakening. Whereas hatred is sleeping, a sleep many never awaken from. 

A sleep I am tiring of. For I am capable of loving.

I am. I am capable of throwing this hatred away, killing it.

If only it would let me go....

I cry to myself and aloud, the repeated cry....

HATRED, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?

But it always replies...no matter where, it is in my mind...the fated words...

__

I created you....

Whymust the truth always hurt? What is truth?....Death? 

I crumpled to the ground slowly. 

The blood flowed. Dark with pain, loneliness....


End file.
